Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Change, Mom-Stalkers, etc

So I have been thinking of my blog each day and how much I would love to sit and write on it at night, rather than aimlessly roaming around people's Facebook pages. The problem is that I have been having some issues with Writer's Block! I am going through such a period of change that I'm not sure what to write about first!

Currently, the biggest change that I face is NOT returning to my classroom. The typical "back to school" anxiety dreams have started, as they always do each year at this time. Teachers know the types of dreams I am talking about...the ones where you have a classroom full of children, but you are late and have nothing prepared, or someone unexpected is teaching in your classroom when you arrive. The only difference is that this time, I am not going back, so I really shouldn't let these dreams get to me. However, they still get to me, if not more. Because this time, someone different will be teaching my class and I will be more than late...I just won't be there. I won't be going to the place I have been going for eight years. I have such mixed feelings over this. Following your heart is not easy business. I know I did the right thing, but it is just so very strange.

It is because of this change that I am now exploring this new Lindsay. The one who focuses on family first and actually cooks dinner nightly. Don't get the wrong idea....this is a very happy version of Lindsay. Just different and new. I am so accustomed to taking my kids to daycare at 7:45 and picking them up at 5:30, that this is uncharted mom territory. As bad as it may sound, it is just honest to admit that I now wake up and look at the two of them and wonder, what now?

As I explore this new world of stay-at-home-momness I started out my summer by taking Avery to a daytime summer dance class. She usually attends evening classes because of the fact that both of her parents worked full time. I thought I would give the daytime class a try. I had high hopes of making some great friends out of other moms who stay at home. After two classes, those dreams were shattered. All the other SAHM's already seemed to know each other...and everything else for that matter. One of the first days, I overheard a conversation where the moms were talking about their book club. I perked up a little, since I love to read. You can imagine how I felt when one mom asked another, "What is nonfiction anyway?" The other mother said, "It is a book that is based on a true story but not all the way true." Excuse me, what? Last time I checked, nonfiction WAS ALL fact. Well, this just started my bad thoughts that I was going to have a hard time connecting with this particular breed of SAHM.

There are many breeds of SAHM. Did you know that? One breed that is particularly scary to me is what I like to call the "mom stalker." There is a lady (don't worry if you are someone I know reading this blog or one of my FB friends...it isn't you!) who is totally mom-stalking me. I hope I don't have to resort to mom-stalking. This is when you latch on to some other mom that you don't really know just because you were destined to be BFFs. The problem is that usually the person being stalked does not feel mutually. I hate to admit it, but I "get" the mom stalkers out there. I have walked the edge of being close to mom stalking someone that I think is just cool. The difference between normal mom stalking and creepy mom stalking is knowing where to draw the line.

Mom stalking is the least of my concerns these days. Mostly I think about how to add structure to our lives and how to make Avery and Piper better little people. I also am working on being a better wife...even though my husband would say that I have always been a great wife. He also lied to me about watching True Blood, but that is a different story. All I can say is that if your husband makes fun of Twilight a little too much, he may be a closet True Blood fan. I am in the same place that I always end up...trying to figure out who I am in this world and where I belong.

I told my friend Natalie that as soon as I committed to quitting my job that I had a virtual creativity explosion in my head. That has been by far one of the coolest things about my new stay at home status. All of a sudden the obsessive work thoughts are gone and have been replaced by sunny, creative ideas of inspiration! One reason I haven't really blogged much is because I have been decorating. I have always enjoyed decorating, but something has changed in me. The same ingredient that led me to quit my job. It is the small ingredient that is growing in me that doesn't care what other people think. It is all about me following my gut and doing things that please me, even if they are unconventional, like the old window that has been converted into a chalkboard that is hanging in my kitchen now. (Thank you, Etsy!)

I also feel that I am getting to experience Avery and Piper on a whole new level lately. Lately, Avery has talked to me about how shocking it is that boys know how to swing, how rhinos must lay watermelons, and other pearls of 4 yr. old wisdom. Piper has become my little bean. She always was, but now she REALLY is! She is getting so big! Lately she actually asks for me. I am still amazed that I produced a blonde curly haired child, but I love it. The girls bring new challenges every day....usually in public displays of tantrums, but I won't get into that either.

Bear with me as I explore this uncharted territory. I am sure I will find my niche. Then again maybe I won't and maybe that will be okay too.


The Merchant's said...

There is a new movie out where a woman cooks her way through a Julia Child cookbook, making one recipe everyday. I thought that would be SO COOL to do ! Your pie making with Avery reminded me of that thought. You'll find your way. You're one smart cookie and the girls (& Matthew) are very lucky to have you at home now ! When you get bored (ha!) you can email all you teacher friends (me included) and gloat !