Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dark and Twisty

Tonight was the first meeting of a new book club that I have joined. In this club I only know one other woman, which actually made it very interesting in a good way! The book pick for July was Wicked by Gregory McGuire. I had to have the book read by the meeting tonight, so of course I started it about 48 hours ago. I like to cram. When I heard that Wicked was the book pick, I was initially disappointed. I typically do not read fantasy. It took me awhile to get into the book, but once I did I ended up really enjoying it. I had no idea what to expect from the group tonight even though I have been in a book club before. My problem is that I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words on the spot. I am a thinker, but not very verbal! In high school and college, I never participated in discussions, even though I was actively participating in my head the whole time. I hope that I can actually engage in discussion for this book club! Wicked delves deeply into religion, politics, and society as a whole. Tonight we discussed whether or not there is a such thing as free will, whether or not someone can be predestined to behave in a certain way, the root of evil, etc. In my head tonight I kept thinking of how these themes apply in my own life.

Lately I have been lost in thought again and kind of down in the dumps. I go through phases where I am lost in deep thought about various things. I fear that I am kind of a dark person on the inside. I hide that well though. Let's just say I "think" a lot, but rarely express these thoughts to anyone other than myself. I cannot quiet my brain! I begin doubting myself and doubting other people. Wicked was actually a perfect book for me right now because I have been thinking about the concept of free will and destiny in my own life lately. I find myself wishing that I were more of a "doer" and not a "thinker." Is there a such thing as destiny? Is there a such thing as free will? It was interesting tonight to hear several ladies say that they didn't believe in free will, but then contradict themselves by talking about people's choices. If people make choices, isn't that free will? The whole discussion made me feel more confused and will probably lead to some more days of solitary thought on my own life. I am always faced with the same questions about my life. No matter what path I choose to take, I am always right back in my own head where I started. One example that I don't mind sharing is the concept of choosing to go back to teaching. It was my choice to return, yet I am amazed by the vast number of people who have said that I am "meant to be" a teacher. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. These are the kind of thoughts that I will dwell on for days in my own head. That among other things!

So let's open this up to the masses.....

Do you believe in free will? Do you believe in destiny?

The book club is reading The Poisonwood Bible next. In the meantime, I will still be dwelling on decisions in my life that never seem to be completely resolved!


Anonymous said...

To quote a song I once heard, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."